the KINSEY SICKS: Meet the Girls
Angel is the identical twin sister of Kinsey Sicks foundress and Dragapella® emeritus Rachel. People constantly say that they can’t tell the two apart, although their miniscule size difference (Angel is a mere 11 inches taller than her twin, not the grossly exaggerated 12 inches) does provide a clue to discerning observers. There are other subtle giveaways. Age, for example: their mother finally gave birth to Angel after being in labor for 11 years between twins, when, in desperation, she sat on top of a Christmas tree, where Angel was born. Angel emerged a fully-grown pre-pubescent with the highly developed vocabulary of a pirate, learned by listening to her mother’s eleven years of obscenities spewed during labor. To this day, nothing rocks Angel to sleep better than the sound of someone screaming “Get OUT of me, you f@&%ing parasite!” Soothingly for Angel, it is something she frequently hears on dates.
Angel and Rachel had an ultra-competitive upbringing. When Angel was born, she quickly screamed “I’m famished, where’s the goddamn food!?” And from that moment on, she always made it to the trough faster than her soon-to-be smaller older twin. Pediatricians, veterinarians and forensic pathologists studying the situation believe this may be connected to the twins’ difference in size.
Before joining The Kinsey Sicks, Angel was the go-to star for a wide range of self-financed Off-Off-Off-Broadway darlings as Diddler on the Roof, Mary Poppers, and A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet. Angel dropped out of show business after the reviews came in from a community production of Equus, in which Angel played the title role. After that, Angel turned to doing something a little more hands-on, working for renowned non-profits such as Doctors Without Boundaries and The Salivation Army. It was when she suddenly and unexpectedly lost her job with Toys for Tits that she “convinced” Rachel to retire from the group. We wish Rachel a speedy recovery and are grateful that, despite her unfortunate tumble from a cliff, she will continue to be able to write for the group and for her loving sister.
Winnie had conventional parents. In fact, they attended conventions all the time. It was at an Amway Convention that they abandoned her. Luckily she was come upon and taken in by a band of radical lesbian tupperware ladies who raised her as one of their own pups. Winnie learned their ways, romping and tumbling with the other tupperlings of the herd, until they lay in a satisfied pile, smiling and burping (their tupperware).
After a brief career as a governess for impressionable young children, Winnie moved into the performance world as a roadie for a heavy metal klezmer band (a period about which she will not willingly speak). Bitten now by the show business bug and with her youth solidly behind her, she waited for her opportunity and pounced upon it with gusto upon meeting the other girlz who were to become The Kinsey Sicks. It took several years for Winnie to get her chops, which she then immediately broiled and served to the audience on a bed of radicchio with garlic mashed potatoes and a horseradish coulis -- a feat that dazzled fans and critics alike.
Winnie sees herself as an old-fashioned girl, and yearns for the days before the Great Vowel Shift. For relaxation, she enjoys mah jongg, macrame and alphabetizing her recipes. Winnie briefly headed up a lesbian separatist clogger troupe, but found it too arduous to clean the footprints off her antique dhurrie rugs. Winnie is currently awaiting publication of her new Passover cookbook entitled I Can't Believe It's Not Chometz! The book's signature recipe is featured below:
WINNIE'S TEX-MEX MATZAH BREI!
- Soak 3 pieces of matzah, crumbled, in milk for 10 minutes. Drain the milk and squeeze more liquid out with a paper towel. Set the softened matzah aside.
- Finely chop a half of a red bell pepper and 2 scallions and saute briefly.
- Mix 8 eggs. Add 1/2 cup of grated parmesan cheese, and salt, pepper and dried parsley to taste. Add matzah, peppers and scallions.
- Saute together in a frying pan. You may scramble it or, if you have an iron skillet, you can saute it over an extremely low flame and then put in the broiler for no more than 30 seconds in order to make the matzah brei more of a frittata.
- Serve with salsa, sour cream, warm tortillas (during Passover substitute a plate of matzah) and corn on the cob (during Passover substitute a plate of matzah). A shtikl avocado would be nice too.
Not much is known about Trixie's early life, and frankly she prefers it that way. Although she has enjoyed a multifaceted career as a gorgeous Caucasian-American, a really gorgeous African-American, and a somewhat unbelievably gorgeous Asian-American, Trixie has never allowed the complexity and depth of her character or her racial reassignment surgery come between her and her many admirers.
In addition to the considerable vocal and visual talents that she brings to The Kinsey Sicks, Trixie enjoys a reputation as a shrewd business person (she owns a chain of Las Vegas wedding chapels as well as numerous drive-thru divorce courts). An avid fitness fan, Trixie has produced and starred in several award-winning workout videos including Tae-Bo in Taffeta and I'd Run a Mile for a Martini. Incredibly, she has also found time in her busy schedule to develop a signature line of cosmetics Spackletacular! (available at finer department and hardware stores everywhere).
During her rare moments of leisure, Trixie can be found at Tiffany's and Bergdorf's in the company of handsome (and generous) gentlemen. She has never married, and is addressed simply as "Trixie". As she has reminded her less glamourous Kinsey colleagues, great ladies of the stage and screen (Beyonce, Madonna, Lassie) find surnames superfluous.
Born on a mountaintop in Tennessee and hitting every rock on the way down, Trampolina fell into show business by accident. Well, by an accident.
At age four, she was already an accomplished comedienne with her sister Benzadrina in a duo team called Ham & Cheese. During one fateful performance, Benzadrina fell asleep doing a tightrope act with a baby grand piano. Fortunately for the piano, Trampy happened to be underneath it all to break the piano's fall. And her leg. While recovering in the hospital and trying to remember who she was, Trampolina began humming the tune the piano made when it crashed. It was then and there she discovered a passion for music.
When she's not touring with The Kinsey Sicks and carrying all nine pieces of Trixie's luggage, Trampolina spends most of her days in a trailer park outside of Belton, Missouri waiting for Maury Povich to call her and tell her she IS the mother of a bastard child she conceived one spring break in Cancun.